Ag, bring on the braai, ye Leprechauns

Now we've seen it all! An ad for braai wood in Ireland has hit our screens. Taking entrepreneurship to the next level, there is a special offer during the Tri Nations - a rugby tournament in which South Africa, Australia and New Zealand compete. If you live in Dublin, you can have a 20kg bag of braai wood delivered to your door for €15. At current conversion rates this is about R170. This is only about ten times what a bag of wood would cost you back home... However, for the price of a couple of braais (or €235*) you could get your hands on a return ticket for a trip back home - and get the real deal: the real wood, the real beer and the real sun. The luck of the Irish, perhaps?
* On Etihad Airways. The good news is it's a one-way trip.

ANC website offers porn, penis enlargements

Now if ever we needed a sign that our government is not getting us down, this has to be it! Among the free services advertised on the ANC's website are free porn and penis enlargement.

Adverts on the party's home page offer the following to web users: free porn, penis enlargement, tarot readings, security system reports, jet charters, some fancy battery and even a dating service.

Perhaps the ruling party should take up some of its own free services. It will save the country millions. As the porn link says "...for uninterrupted pleasure. You do not have to worry about your weekends anymore or plan any expensive weekend activities." Music to any taxpayer's ears.

The testimonials published on the penis enlargement website are quite revealing: "When I looked in the mirror after every shower, I couldn’t help but wonder whether or not I was average. After doing some research online, I realised that I was slightly under-average." Showers? Slightly under-average? This is just way too much information, comrade!

The ANC has proven that it truly is South Africa's national liberation movement.

Financial guru's plush Jozi pad

Oprah's financial guru Suze Orman has splashed out R9-million on her saffalicious Joburg flat. Orman, who is reportedly looking to make South Africa her home base, says she bought in Northcliff for "the same reason I invested in the number one property markets in the United States ... position, position and position."

And what did the Saffa-wannabe have to say about Mzansi?

"I like it here a lot. I see the potential here, and here is where it's at.... Johannesburg is the hub. It is where it is happening."

'I'm here in Botswana, South Africa'

Kim Kardashian, who fancies herself as a bit of a reality TV star, is in South Africa on a trip to visit the charities supported by hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons. It's a pity Ms Kardashian didn't bother to read up on the country before touching down. Yesterday she apparently tweeted "We are here in Botswana, South Africa" but after her followers gave her flak, she corrected herself saying "people thought I though Botswana was South Africa. I do know the difference! There is no direct flight from Botswana. Always a stop in JohannesBERG".
Let's hope she gets the right country (and spelling) when it comes to writing out those charitable cheques.

Will 2010 tourists be safe?

A blogger for the well-respected Guardian website wrote a piece that was rather sensational (not in a good way) about why coming to South Africa for the World Cup "terrifies" her. Louise Taylor, "north-east football correspondent" for the publication, went on to suggest that the event should have been held in Egypt, of all places, instead.

She used the Confederations Cup to remind her readers that players from both the Egyptian and Brazilian teams returned to their hotel rooms to find they had been robbed. Erm yes, something here does ring a bell.

Then Ms Taylor names another very important deterrent: Aids. "Considering that prostitutes always prosper during World Cups, you do not need to be a rocket scientist to detect the looming dangers," she writes. You also don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that condoms prevent the transfer of many an STD and then there is the minor matter of prostitution still being illegal in South Africa.

Keen to hear more drivel? "Yes, it would have been very hot and it would, in places, have been dirty and ultra-chaotic, but it would also have been friendly and welcoming." What she fails to point out is that hot equals a maximum temperature of 50°C in Aswan (according to the Lonely Planet) and Saffas are very friendly and welcoming - to people who don't diss their country at every available opportunity.

On the subject of crime, although the crime rate in Egypt isn't higher than many other places in the world, "terrorist acts against foreign tourists in 1997 to 2006 resulted in a great many deaths, and have led to the government giving security the highest possible priority. This can be annoying for travellers, as convoys and tourist-police escorts can be a real drag".

And the pick of the bad bunch of Taylor's tosh? "I've never been but would love to ..." One would think that a blogger for the Guardian would know how not to kill her own argument... On a more serious note though, these are the sort of musings that saffagettes are up against - people who have never been to the country yet who have already formed a negative opinion, which is probably based on the whinings of the many whingers who don't live here any more and who, secretly, would love to come home.

So, will 2010 tourists be safe? An experienced guess says yes - as long as they don't leave thousands of rands lying around on their hotel-room bedside tables and take the local sex workers to these rooms.

Kruger - it's too late for 2010 bookings

It seems as though the Big Five is more famous than Maroon 5 (those whining wannabes from the States who graced Saffas with their presence at the end of last year).
Tourists who were keen to slot the Kruger Park into their 2010 holiday are going to be disappointed - apparently the game reserve is already fully booked. The Times reports that all 24 camps were booked out by 9.30am on July 1, the day reservations opened. According to a South African National Parks spokesperson, reservations opened at 7.30am and the reserve's call centre fielded 5,000 bookings and 500 emails.
Now that's almost as fast as bookings for some really good rock concert.

The coolest website in the world

What an incredible display of creativity. Saffas have long loved the saffalicious Nando's ads and now the food chain has come up with such a clever website. Hot stuff!

Joburg the cheapest city

Joburg has been named the cheapest city in the world to live - if you're an expat, that is, and are being paid in dollars or pounds (or earning the equivalent thereof in the bonny old rand).
Mercer's cost of living survey cited the sharp increase of the rand against the US dollar as the reason why Jozi slipped to the bottom position (replacing Asunción in Paraguay of all places as the cheapest city).
This is good news for football fans wishing to visit South African shores next year - foreign currency goes a long, long way at the moment!

Zuma goes to the horse's mouth

Our president is really affiliating himself to the Big Guy.
First Jacob Zuma conjured up a big old hornets' nest by saying the ANC would rule until Jesus comes. Now he has a new head of communications - none other than Vusi Mona, who was spokesperson for Rhema church leader Ray McCauley. Maybe JZ thinks that Mona has inside info on JC.
Mona was quoted as saying his new job "still gives me butterflies in my stomach". Maybe he knows something we don't.

Zuma saves money by flying SAA

Talk about putting your trust in the country's national airline, reports have been doing the rounds that President Jacob Zuma has been whizzing around the country using SAA.

The Times writes that he flew business class from Cape Town to Jozi after attending an ANC national working committee meeting. Although he had used his presidential jet to fly from Libya to Durban (for the Durban July) and then to Cape Town for the meeting, Zuma will apparently be using the airline "whenever time allows".

It's about time government officials started practising some money-saving tips. And Zuma is literally putting his money where his mouth it. Let's hope the rest of his cabinet learns from his example.

• Picture taken from transnet.co.za
  

Saffas can sleep easier than Brits

It's difficult not to get carried away by headlines today that the UK is more violent than South Africa. On the one hand it is easy to become filled with smug satisfaction that the milk is turning sour and the honey has dried up in the Promised Land - especially for those saffagettes who have to suffa the insuffarable whingers.

On the other hand, South Africa's crime statistics are still very high - although there have been news reports about government putting measures in place to fight it. This week, deputy police minister Fikile Mbalula prolifigated Operation Wanya Tsotsi - which a News24 language expert translates to "You will shit, criminal!". According to an article in today's The Times, the UK registered 2034 incidents per 100,000 compared with South Africa’s 1609.

Let's not fool ourselves. 1609 per 100,000 is still a shocking statistic. But at least it's not 2034.

• Picture sourced from the Sowetan.
  

Is this our new flying squad?

The Sowetan newspaper has to be commended for a hilarious front page today. Without further ado, I give those who didn't see it, the top half of today's front page.

"When push comes to shove, metro cops are just as keen as anyone to get back to work - no matter what... Yesterday Johannesburg Metro Police went on a sympathy strike in support of their colleagues who were attending a disciplinary hearing. But when these officers returned to their vehicle it wouldn’t start. In true sexist fashion the one female member of the crew barked orders to get the show back on the road."

This just seems to substantiate the Jim Carrey saying that behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

We are marching to a R50 000 fine

Tshwane versus Pretoria. The name-change debate continues. The latest chapter in this little saga played out before the Broadcasting Complaints Commission, who ruled that the South African Broadcasting Commission was wrong to refer to Pretoria as Tshwane and threatened the broadcaster with a R50 000 fine if they did it again. Now while we can all respect AfriForum being a stickler for facts, quite frankly, the SABC was damned if it did and damned if it didn't. If it had changed all the Tshwanes to Pretorias it probably would have had Motormouth Malema on their backs threatening them with militant action. On the other hand, the ruling has left the rest of us even more confused than before. Should we change the lyrics of a famous South African song to "We are marching to Tshwane"? Doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

Reading between the lines

While so many people take reading for granted, the digital divide in South Africa still remains a major obstacle to access to information.

However, this week the GaRankuwa community received a major boost with the opening of an R8-million community library. Membership will be free and the library will stock the latest newspapers and magazines and access to the internet.

But the icing on the cake was an inspirational speech by Didintle Sello, a grade 12 pupil at the local Modiri Secondary School at the library's opening.

She said many people had paid with their lives for the freedom “misused” by young people today.

“Our peers engage in immoral activities in the name of a freedom which was bought with blood and immense suffering. This library will mean nothing if it stands empty while we ravage ourselves with drugs.

“Let this library be a light on our path to success. This library should be an arsenal of weapons for success, not just another structure in our neighbourhood.”

Our current youth leaders should take note of the insight of this young leader. Firstly, she reads. Secondly, her militant threats relate to using the book as a weapon. Thirdly, her intelligence suggests that she won't be used as a puppet any time soon.

Who're you calling racist?

One of the funniest things of the Confed Cup had to have been when Bafana Bafana player Matthew Booth had to tell reporters that he was not being jeered by the crowd that chanted "Boooooth" every time he touched the ball.

"It's been a bit embarrassing because a lot of the foreign journalists have thought that it's racist abuse," Booth said.

Hmm, what exactly should the local fans think about this? It's not that difficult to figure out what the crowd was shouting. Yet "racist abuse" was the first thing that popped into people's minds.

And us Saffas are supposed to be the ones with problems??

There's no place like home

Saffalicious Saffas are heading home — and those on the verge of emigrating are putting their plans on hold. This is according to this week's Sunday Times, which cited blue skies and sunshine as the main drawcards for people returning, while the recession has made many would-be emigrés realise there is no place like home — at least for now.

“What I’ve realised is that the best things that South Africans import are South Africans themselves... the people here have a very good work ethic and are reliable,” said an expat who, after seven years of working in the UK, will return to Jozi permanently this year. After a holiday in Mzansi last week, he realised how much he’d missed the “incredible” attitudes and values and the “brilliant” weather. He felt “a strong sense of belonging” which inspired him to return.

After 22 years in Los Angeles another expat, who returned home last month, said he had felt “incomplete” being away from his country. “I felt a spiritual connection to SA, the people, the food, the progressiveness of the society, the constitution.” True Saffagettes indeed.

• The emigration survey quoted by the paper revealed that climate tops the list of reasons to return; crime and corruption tops the list of reasons to leave;just over half of South Africans say they’ll never leave; only 18% are keen to go; and half those leaving say they’ll probably return.

See how saffalicious our crap is

So, our old crap has ended up in the US First Home. According to today's Sunday Times, a pair of chandeliers made from discarded bottle caps, glass beads and recycled plastic trinkets by a small group of artists from the Klein Karoo town of Barrydale are hanging in the White House. This gives new meaning to the idiom “One man's trash is another man's treasure”. The chandeliers' creator was quoted as saying that “it's quite funny that we're turning trash into art and selling it to America”. Strange, that. Because we've been doing it for years. Apparently there are 50 000* whingers living there now.
* This was a bit of a Wikipedia thumb-suck and does not mean to include those South African Americans who continue to fly our flag high across the Atlantic.

Saffas need to use their bargaining chips!

The demise of the slapchip is something that we cannot allow. Remember the days of the local cafes - on just about every corner would be an unlimited supply of freshly fried, greasy, sloppy chips drowning in vinegar, topped with a light sprinkling of salt. Mmm. And then along came an enterprising frozen food company and flogged their shitty pieces of iced cardboard to every local take-out joint that would take them - which happened to be almost all of them. And with one foul swoop an entire generation of South African children have been deprived of what really should be South Africa's national dish. We cannot stand idly by and watch these degenerate offerings of MSG-coated cardboard mash our beloved slapchip into oblivion. We must let our tastebuds lead the march against mediocrity. Amandla!

Out Damned Spot!

Elections came and went almost three months ago, and yet the remnants remained in the form of the ever-present black spot on the left thumbnail of voters across the country. While the blotches were initially the cool mark to have, indicating patriotism, they started to get stale when, try as we might, nothing - not even that South African wonder cleaner Jik - could rid us of the blemishes. People avoided giving thumbs-ups. The sales of really dark nail polish and gloves soared. Visitors to the country must have been surprised at the number of mechanics roaming the streets. However, this week a rather unappreciated Liverpudlian came to the rescue of a damsel in distress. William Emery, the inventor of the emery board, is today being heralded for his contribution to the Out Damned Spot campaign, as started by Lady Macbeth in the 1600s. Who would have thought that months of distress could have ended so easily, with an easy to-and-fro motion. Come next election, there will be a revival of the Out Damned Spot campaign, and the handing out of little emery boards - on proof of voting, of course.

Now Brazilians were "robbed"

Oh my, now the Brazilians claim they were also "robbed" at their Confederations Cup hotel. Looks like local prostitutes are cashing in left, right and centre. Viva entrepreneurship, viva! On the other hand, it is starting to smack of exploitation of the South African crime rate. Read the full story here. Read the blog about the Egyptians claiming to be robbed here.

By hooker or by crook?

Anyone remotely interested in football will have been following the Confed Cup and all that goes with it. Remember this headline: "Football team robbed in world cup 'Warm Up'"? Turns out that they had been burgled, not robbed (yes there is a difference) by the prostitutes that they had taken back to their hotel room. According to the City Press newspaper police sources confirmed that there were no signs of forced entry and that CCTV footage showed scantily-clad women moving around a number of hotel rooms during what seemed to be a party.
"The players must explain why their rooms were not broken into and why their room safes were not tampered with but they still lost money," an unnamed police source told the newspaper.

Saffavescent creativity *UPDATED!!!*

One thing South Africa does have going for it is its brilliant ad brains. Some of the most entertaining commercials are being moulded around the 2010 Football World Cup tournament. Others are created around South African culture. One of my favourite ads has to be this Steers ad:




Mrs Balls, South Africa's favourite chutney, has come up with some really saffavescent ideas. To see one of the Mrs Balls ads, which are creating quite a stir, click here.

SA through to semis

Two goals by Spain, but thanks to New Zealand, Bafana go through to the semi-finals of the Confed Cup.

Bafana vs Spain

South Africa's on the edge of its seat. Halfway into the second half now. Can The Boys score???? Will New Zealand beat Iraq???

Parker's second goal of the match

This is why Parker's Saffavescent!

Giving it up for The Boys

What a rush. Watching Bafana Bafana crush the Kiwis in the Confederations Cup was fantastic. The stadium looked - and sounded - amazing. The game itself was quite exciting and the boys looked so cool - like real football stars. And those Vuvuzelas - there were about 46000 fans at the Bafokeng Stadium in Rustenburg and it sounded like just about every one of them was blowing their own horn (with good reason). Bring on the Spanish. We may not floor them like plates of tapas, but Bafana have created a chilli vibe around the Confed Cup and got the fans breathing fire.

The photo - which I just love - was taken from: www.jamati.com/online/sports/page/7/

Unlocking the cuffs of Suffaring

There is little more frustrating than being held hostage by a group of whingers (to steal a phrase from erstwhile safety and security minister Charles Nqakula). I'm with Nqakula. Get on that plane (preferably an Air France jet) Forgo the green grass in favour of the concrete. Denounce your Saffanism. You probably don' t deserve the title of Saffa anyway.

The thing that really gets my goat is that the loudest proponents of emigration have never been out of the country. My Number One Whingers have been out of the country once. They went to Thailand on their honeymoan. When they got back those who dared to ask how it was were treated to an earful about how awful it was and how shitty the food was - couldn't find a decent steak, apparently. Anyway, Number One Whingers are on their way to a country which shall not be named, which is made up of lyre-playing angels and white fluffy clouds. They've been on their way to country which shall not be named ever since I first had the pleasure of making their acquaintance five years ago. What they don't realise is that out of clouds comes snow. Cold snow. Your world becomes grey. And damp.

There are Saffas who have left and lived (and Suffared), and have returned to the Saffervescence. It is the appreciative side of the population that will hopefully participate in Saffaring, and leave the Suffaring to those who are far better suited to such mindsets.